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How Do I Not Get Serious After Separation?

Chris asks: I am newly separated after a 19 year marriage, and have started going out with a gal whom I have a great time with. She is funny, bright, outgoing, the works. My dilemma is that I don’t want to get serious with this girl. I don’t have any feelings for her but I think she is the sweetest person around. How do I draw the line about spending too much time with her because I’m not ready to get serious?

My answer: Dating after separation or divorce is hard, even harder than dating after divorce in my opinion. Why? Because when you’re still separated you’re still working through your marriage; difficult to do even under the best of circumstances. I advise most folks in your situation to take a serious review of their reasons for dating, and whether or not they are ready to date again.

But my point is somewhat moot as you’ve already started dating. Dating a woman who, in your own words, is fantastic but not for you. So then why are you dating her? Why not just be friends?

My guess is that your dating relationship with this woman easy, comfortable, and it helps with some of the loneliness you’re feeling after separation. Understandable, considering.

At the same time, you can’t just think about your own needs here, and you have to realize this because you’re already asking the question: how do you make this relationship into something that you need, rather than what she wants? How do you ensure she doesn’t get attached, because you aren’t and likely won’t?

To me, the answer seems simple. If you don’t want to get serious with this woman, don’t. Let her know where you’re at and how you feel, but that if she’s wanting something more you won’t be able to provide it to her. The honorable thing to do – especially if she’s as wonderful as you say she is – is to let her go, so she can find someone who can give her the kind of relationship she wants. Now, if she wants what you have to offer – no feelings whatsoever but a ‘good time’ – great. But I’ll hazard she’s wanting something more or you wouldn’t be asking the question.

But what do you think, readers? Do you agree with me, or do you think Chris should try a completely different tactic? Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do?

_{Related: What is Casual Dating?, What are Friends With Benefits?, What is a Rebound Relationship?}

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